Published in Beat Magazine, July 25, 2007

Last time I visited the Doghouse, I had a wee rant about job titles getting out of hand. In fact, I now have business cards being printed that proclaim me to be a “Group Amusement Level Change Agent”. However, a related issue has started to piss me off…

Again, in the world of advertising, I was watching one of those ads which are busy trying to convince us how amazing the world would be if it was made up entirely of chocolate – I know my life feels that little bit emptier for the fact that I can’t eat my car. At the end of the ad (my recollection may be a little hazy, but I’ll get as close as I can), the slogan appeared; “Happiness is next to Cadburyness”.

Cadburyness.

I am sick of brand names trying to crowbar their way into general conversation. Branding is already damn near omnipresent; I am convinced that Kalahari Bushmen would now recognize the Nike “swoosh”. So, if they are going to intrude in such a way, I suggest we let them in… on our terms. Let us go out of our way to introduce brands into our conversation, but using the reputation they have earned, rather than the image they would foist upon us. While undermining the above efforts, this could also serve as a pressure release, as each of us gets to let off a little steam each time we drop one of these titles into conversation. Try the following examples on for size:

“It was just as well I was only driving at about thirty, because my tyre blew and I Microsofted straight into a tree.”

“We knew he’d had too much to drink, but of course he waited until he got into Davo’s car before he had a huge McDonalds over the new upholstery.”

“Can you believe how much a pie costs at the footy? I bring my own food from home, they can Telstra someone else.”

“First she says she wants to see me again, then she says she wants space – I’m totally Ikea’d.”

“I thought I had work lined up for the whole summer, one Channel Nineing later I’m back down to Centrelink.”

“Parents always think their baby is beautiful, even if it is a bit Volvo.”

“I haven’t been able to sit comfortably all week… it almost feels like I’ve been Federal Governmented.”

Language is constantly shifting, as society shifts. I’m learning to cope with the fact that spelling is becoming as lost an art as cave painting, and that “whatever” is no longer a word, but an entire conversation. However, let this be a function of how people communicate, and not how marketing geniuses want to frame a product’s image. Why do they get to decide that “Cadburyness” is a state of joy and contentment, and not that feeling the day after gorging on Easter eggs, or that sensation of standing on a set of bathroom scales and seeing a disappointingly high number? Actually, not even numbers are immune. 3, the mobile phone company, have been trying to associate the digit with quirkiness, individuality and humour, as per the “how do you know if you’re 3?” series of ads. Well from evidence of colleagues who use their service, you know if you’re 3 when you abruptly end conversations for no apparent reason. This is on top of their confusion of cricket fans around the country, as, due to their purchase of naming rights for tours, we’ve had a 3 Test Series that included five tests.

Their problem is that we, as consumers, are learning how to fend off the adjectives. We have learned that advertisers use a dictionary that defines “quality” as “state of being somewhat adequate”, and “amazing” as “possibly worth paying attention to for a few seconds”. So now they try to turn their brands into high concepts, and frankly for the attempt they can all get Workchoiced.

Of course, not all advertisers are evil. The good people at Seek.com.au use completely legitimate techniques to advertise their fine service, entertaining people in the process. Coincidentally, I am in a Seek commercial currently being shown on television. For those of you interested, my soul cost about two months’ rent.