Published in Beat Magazine, August 3, 2005

This week, Land of the Dead opens in cinemas across the country, the latest episode in the resurgence of zombie movies over the last couple of years. It marks George A Romero’s return to the genre he began with Night of the Living Dead, which he directed, wrote, produced, edited and appeared in, piecing it all together on a budget that would be lucky to cover my petrol costs for a fortnight. Depending on the film, the undead have operated at various speeds, from the traditional slow shuffling, reminiscent of a council worker returning from smoko, to a more recent pissed-off sprint that hasn’t been seen since the demise of the “door buster” sales on Boxing Day. The causes of zombification have also varied; science tampering with nature, random badness from space… much of the time, however, the origin question has been all but ignored, apparently carrying the message “you need a logical kickoff? You’re watching a zombie movie, for cryin’ out loud!” The hunger remains a constant, as does the fact that one of the living protagonists will get himself bitten doing something stupid (yes, it’s usually a him).

Ignoring pretenders such as 28 Days Later and Resident Evil, Land is the third “…of the Dead” movie to grace the screen in the past eighteen months, following the remake of Dawn and the romzomcom (romantic comedy with zombies… their term, not mine) of Shaun. So, with the trend well and truly in place, let’s see where the future of the zombie flick may lie.

Party of the Dead – Just because college student Josh died a virgin, doesn’t mean he has to be buried as one, as his fraternity brothers have one last party to send him into the afterlife with a bang. Of course, it would be easier to get him laid if he wouldn’t be quite so enthusiastic with the hickies.

Wedding of the Dead (or Four Funerals and a Wedding) – A fatal car crash delays, but doesn’t stop, the groom’s arrival at his wedding ceremony. Things get awkward when they realize that the ring is lodged in the best man’s abdomen, and that each time the vicar asks for the vows, the husband-to-be can only say “uuunnnhhhhhhh”. Cast Hugh Grant, and there’s a guaranteed audience of several million people who would gladly watch him wrap his car around a tree.

Justice of the Dead – He’s a grizzled veteran cop two weeks from retirement; she’s a murdered DA looking for a little payback. He hunts for clues and shakes down informants; she researches whether or not she can be prosecutor and Exhibit A at the same time. He’s getting too old for this shit; she’s not getting any older.

Discovery of the Dead – Jacques Cousteau returns to the ocean for the first time since his demise eight years ago. He introduces amazing footage of previously unknown creatures of the deep, as he is no longer constrained by the requirements of oxygen tanks and pressure suits, and his decaying flesh proves to be ideal bait.

League of the Dead – A gridiron team on the brink of bankruptcy revives more than its fortunes, by bringing some of their top players of the past from the tomb to the touchdown line. After a few training mishaps, and a series of missing mascots, the team manages to focus on the ball come game time… after all, their opposition doesn’t have any brains to feast on.

Society of the Dead - A young man in nineteenth century New York has his sights on an heiress far above his station and pulse rate. She can look past his lack of table manners, but her father is both elitist and deceasist. When the family patriarch has a heart attack, our hero can’t save his life, but can win his approval.

There are some schools of cinema that would not benefit from the inclusion of zombies. The western, for example; the final shootout could last for days. But some existing film franchises could use a dash of the undead to liven things up again. Imagine Rocky making the ultimate comeback, to defeat a fighter who killed him in a previous bout. Perhaps once a certain Californian governor ends his term, we could see Conan the Putrefied. In all seriousness – apparently Police Academy 7 is in production, and quite frankly the only chance of me shelling out some of my hard earned to see it is if Michael Winslow has to try to make all those whacky sound effects while a ravenous dead guy chews on his head.