Published in Beat Magazine, September 24, 2001

What did we do to deserve this recent assault on our musical sensibilities? New releases have been particularly ugly over the last couple of weeks, spearheaded by Sara Marie – whoops, that’s Sara Marie Fedele now, apparently the Big Brother cast have been allowed custody of their surnames – and the show’s rent-a-group Sirens with their rendition of “I’m So Excited”. I figure they’re not so much luring-sailors-onto-rocks sirens as get-out-of-the-way-of-the-ambulance sirens... all we need now is for Scandal’us to take on the Neutron Dance, although it seems with the sales of their last single that Australia has figured out Scandal’us are shit’ouse.

It’s not like we haven’t had enough 80s covers assault us from overseas – Geri Halliwell managed to drain all of the thunder from “It’s Raining Men”, which is probably just as well, as her fragile little frame wouldn’t stand much of a storm. Since then, we have her new single “Scream If You Wanna Go Faster”, in which she sings “gimme some sweet FA” without a trace of irony. Geri, you’ve got enough FA already.

Continuing with the shattered remnants that were once part of Spiceworld, Victoria Beckham has uncorked “Not Such An Innocent Girl”. According to some reports, Vic Becks was “paranoid” that people would think she couldn’t sing. Odd, no? Parliament House doesn’t sit on Spring Street paranoid that people would think it’s big and grey. I must admit, I did see some initial promise in the film clip, as she does a good Posh versus bad Posh scenario, a la Fight Club. Only problem with being hooked by this angle is the fact that a key Fight Club element is missing; no-one gets hurt.

Possibly the biggest fizzer of late, however, is the massive return of the King of Hype, Michael Jackson. Now, when scouring the news for comedy, occasionally you find a “gimme”, a line that just drops into your lap, radiating comic potential. Slightly rarer is the line that is actually tough to follow, because it has gone beyond the “gimme”, and makes fun of itself more effectively then most comedians could manage. I don’t know whether Mr Jackson’s press agents are trying to enlist comedians to help publicise the new album, or if they created the uber-gimme completely by accident, but apparently Michael’s new CD will “change the face of music.” Insert punchline here. For mine, all I have to say is that if anyone shows how bad an idea changing a face can be, it’s him.

However, I think music’s visage is safe for the moment, after hearing Jackson’s first single from this CD. Carrying the groundbreaking title of “You Rock My World”, one listen shows that Michael is slightly more set in his ways than Bruce Ruxton. Changing the face of music? If a doctor buys a new stethoscope, this is not considered a “major medical breakthrough”. The doctor does as he/she has always done, just with something slightly newer. A certain ABC overnight video clip show was quite cruel to Jackson this past weekend, playing the new clip early Saturday morning, and revisiting the epic Thriller clip Sunday morning. Remember Thriller? Remember the song performed by a Michael Jackson that showed an expressive energy, had almost no self-consciousness, and needed makeup to look like a zombie? But then we all know the story of Michael’s demise by now... except him, apparently. The new album is entitled “Invincible”, when he’s in danger of liquefying if he gets too close to the heater.

A general scan of the charts at the moment (well, most times really), is a tad depressing. Destiny’s Child continue trying to add Bootylicious to the dictionary, I guess soon to be followed by either Bumtastic or Reariffic. Westlife show their capacity for human emotion with a song that asks “How can I leave you when you’re looking like that?” The worst named band on the chart at the moment, Jagged Edge, features twice – trust me, we’re in no danger of cutting ourselves on fairy floss. Usher shows that we’re in the age of the SMS with his song title “U Remind Me”; rumour has it that the follow up release will be “C U L8ER 4 coffee”. And one that gets stored in my “Worst Possible Advice” file – Nivea urges us “Don’t Mess With The Radio”.

At least there’s an Aussie... sort of... sitting at number one this week. Kylie Minogue – oops, sorry reader, I’ve just been told I’m obliged to refer to her as Our Kyles – managed to defeat Bob the Builder in a first-round knockout. Amazing what a carefully positioned and fastened sheet will do for sales, although if this particular trend of using double-sided tape to hold outfits in place continues to pick up steam, look for the next big trend in cosmetic surgery to be Nipple Reattachment.