Published in Beat Magazine, August 2, 2006

I tend not to talk about politics during a stand-up gig. It’s not a deliberate effort to shy away from meatier topics, in favour of yet another assault on the Pussycat Dolls… always a worthy aim, in my opinion. It’s more that if I get political, the funny tends to go away, and a live audience starts to wonder why the guy with the microphone is getting all shouty. Print is a much safer medium to take such issues on, as I can still make enough of a ruckus to scare the horses without the reader taking it personally. It makes no difference to the finished column if I pause every so often to break something - although I will attempt to refrain from this anyway, as I’m currently freeloading in a friend’s flat in Sydney, and they may disapprove of their belongings flying around the room.

I wish I could remember which politician it was who, a couple of years ago, said that Australians are too cynical about our politicians, and don’t trust them enough. With a straight face, too. It’s the idea that stuck in the memory, not the speaker, but I would love to be able to quote whichever genius this was word for word. The parallel I’m about to draw may be a little forced, but it works for me… when I was growing up, my sister was trying to teach the family dog, named Mate, a trick. She would get Mate to sit in front of her, would mimic a gun with her fingers, say BANG! and then roll him quickly on his side. I think the intention was obvious, but once Mate cottoned on, he didn’t roll and play dead when she shot. He ducked underneath her attempted shove, sprang back up and bit her. My sister didn’t frumpily blame the dog for his cynicism, she laughed, understood his reaction, and got a band-aid. Why couldn’t Political Genius X extend us the same courtesy?

Although it’s not in the headlines much at the moment, the Cole Inquiry into the Australian Wheat Board/Iraq scandal has been another exercise in boosting our distain. Alexander Downer joined various governmental folk in answering a lot of questions with the get-out-of-jail-free “I don’t recall”. His memory appears so bad that we should go in with a screwdriver and check his hard drive. Or just stab him with a screwdriver, I’m not fussed.

Thing is, the fault isn’t always entirely with the wrongdoer. The people who should hold them accountable also need to be examined. Take the following results of an AC Nielsen poll into the inquiry.

85% of Australian adults are aware of the Cole Inquiry. This suggests there is a rock somewhere big enough for 15% of Aussie grown-ups to have been living under for the last year.

72% of people aware of the inquiry believe that the government knew about the AWB kickbacks, despite the combination of denials and memory lapses certain ministers have presented.

48% of those aware of the enquiry have a lesser opinion of the Government as a result of proceedings.

Now, this takes a bit of number-juggling, and the figures I'm about to present could fall down if given a decent nudge (that's probably flattering them - let's be more honest, and say a stiff breeze), but... if 48% of people aware of the enquiry have a lesser view of the Howard Menagerie, then 52% have an unchanged opinion. This means that, at a minimum, 24% of people aware of the enquiry believe that the government is lying to us on this issue, but don't think less of them for it (that's the minimum overlap between the 72% who catch a whiff of bullshit in the air, and the 52% who either don't mind the odour or don't recognise it).

Still with me? Deep breath, let's press on.

There are three possible explanations, none of them pretty. Explanation number 1 - this group have no opinion of the government or of politics in general, so nothing short of John Howard copulating with a goat in the middle of a primary school assembly is going to register as "bad". Explanation 2 - this group's opinion of the Government is already so low that it couldn't actually head any further south. If they had their way, an election where the only opposition party was a small vial of anthrax would see Australia become the first country lead by a weaponised disease. Explanation 3 - the Government has this group's unconditional support, and they will continue to vote Liberal in a beat-me-kick-me-call-me-names sort of way. Let's face it, there is no comfortable mix of these options - whether it's due to apathy, misery, or sociomasochism, a quarter of people not caring about their government lying to them is an ugly, ugly sign.