Published in Beat Magazine, January 17, 2006

Even though this year has just started, I think it’s time to look further afield… here is the news for Tuesday January 17, 2017.

Apple Computers have announced their bold new product at a trade fair in Shanghai – the iPerson. The iPerson is a combined phone-mp7 player-organizer-private investigator-three storey house-washing machine-running shoe-sex therapist-scanner-blender-manicurist-tuxedo-door-recipe for Peking Duck-bicycle and indentured servant. It is expected on the shelves by June, roughly four months ahead of Microsoft’s XPerson 360, although if Microsoft wait until the XPerson has been debugged, it won’t be available for sale… well, ever.

Charges are expected to be laid against the producers of Australia’s Funniest Home Videos, thanks to a former member of the Channel 9 Special Operations Unit blowing the whistle on the show’s “black ops” missions. He has turned over paperwork outlining twenty-five years of the unit’s activities, including overpolishing floors at weddings, training attack animals of every species, weakening bolts on slides and swings, and the setting up of a boot camp for three year-olds, teaching them to instinctively aim whatever they are holding at an adult’s groin. The most disturbing evidence is in the form of a DVD, recorded merely half an hour after the 2014 collapse of the Sydney Opera House, showing the landmark vanishing to a soundtrack including that descending whistle noise they always use, and a sarcastic voiceover suggesting that the fat lady singing was too fat. This casts huge doubt on the long-held belief that the Opera House was destroyed by an act of terrorism, masterminded by Scientologist extremists.

In an attempt to improve the national average IQ, two thousand morons were deported today, having been lured into the one place by auditions for Big Brother 17.

The United States Government has announced that the trial of David Hicks will start any day now. This announcement was met with surprise by the Australian Foreign Minister, as he’d forgotten to ask. Meanwhile, President David Letterman and the Pentagon have finally given up on the idea of an exit strategy regarding Iraq - they will instead focus on an exit strategy for Baghdad’s south-eastern suburbs, and work from there.

A solemn day in pop stardom today, with the funeral of Britney Spears. Spears was killed on the set of Crossroads 2 – 2 Cross, 2 Road-like, after seventy-eight takes of the opening scene, when co-star Sir Anthony Hopkins snapped and strangled her with her pet eel. The FBEH (or Federation of Britney’s Ex-Husbands) was represented by co-founder Kevin Federline and recent inductee Macauley Culkin, with other attendees including celebrity couple Tom Cruise and Ian Thorpe. Hopkins has been charged with cruelty to animals, and awarded an OBE for services to music, cinema, and common sense. The entertainment world was expected to be reeling from another blow, as Paris Hilton choked to death on her own publicity yesterday; however, when questioned, the entertainment world replied en masse with “don’t look at us, she’s not one of ours.” The business world stated it was too busy doing actual business to associate with Ms Hilton, despite recently listing herself on the stock exchange, while the expensive whore world smirked and said nothing.

Sport – as the Australian Cricket team prepares for the upcoming one day series against Pakistan and Fiji, and with the success of the recent Twenty20, Ten10 and Five5 formats, the International Cricket Council has announced the first international Blitz Cricket games. In Blitz Cricket, the captain who wins the toss throws the ball at his counterpart, and if it connects, his country wins. The first Blitz Cricket World Cup will be held in Toronto on February 23rd, between 1 and 1:07pm.

And in late-breaking news, Antarctica has been stolen. Known as “the Last Continent” until global warming reduced it to the size of a large Doberman, Antarctica was last seen under eight penguins, which were found this afternoon treading water and looking confused. The international community is in uproar, and while there are no suspects as yet, Victoria’s temporary lifting of water restrictions is now looking suspicious.

Stay tuned for A Current Affair, and Prince Harry’s first interview since his latest attempt at rehab, followed by summer sitcom Shut Up Before I Cut You.

Goodnight.